In day five of my articles, in the end of the note if i still have a mood to write i will talk much with the job that i was offered. So where do i start? oh i think it would be best to start with what do i make for a living and how is my career condition, before i could start talking with this opportunity.
Before i start, i want to let you know that my education is not really matter with what i want to be. The degree that i choose is just because i had no option while there is no better option and i don't mind to take it, who knows i will into this. After high school, i decided to get any kind of job, as long as i could learn the reality of life. For me, the best learning in your life is by experience, you doing it, you learn it how to improve or how to solve it, when you are in dead end, how you are deal with it, is it by switching to another direction or face it with different approach.
I don't know what is wrong with me but later i understand that a formal education is not for everyone. The time that i spent in school, a twelve years according to our educational system in a great measure, i didn't learn as much as i learn comparing from other student. I consider myself that i could not kept motivated as others, while other were busy with their competition on who score best, i just want to pass and as long as i keep get a acceptable mark, it's okay. So before my motive to stay in school is just to make my parent happy, the brainwashed subliminal message that had been taught by generation to generation. Go get a life, be the best in the school, office, makes your parents proud life pattern sounds not working for me.
If someone ask what subject do you love most? i would like to say sport. I am not interested with it technical or basic rules however i always more than average to other in any kind of sport. The one that keep me going to school is this, football. The time i spent 8 hours seems pay out with after school football. All student who is into it just form two groups and play together until one by one came back home. One day i dreamed to become a professional football player while in order to be that, i need to be talented and my parents own an acceptable amount of money to back me up before famous. Making football as a professional career is extremely hard here. Most athletes don't get what they deserve. Our minister of sport is completely corrupt to the budget and only cares with the sport that is famous in our country and also the selection of athletes is racist, as a minority don't expect to working in this field unless you are tough.
The person who know me said that i am a complete rebel, uncontrollable, pure troll, and other negative attribute that i don't know if i done that. I just don't like following the system, well today i can't be like this so i follow this system reluctantly. But now all of them are surprised that i completely silence and not active anymore. I used to be the last part of the team everybody wants, completely ignored in giving opinion, TWELVE YEARS sitting beside teacher's desk, even school consultant suggests my parents to take me to the psychologist if i had an ADHD disorder or not, one of English teacher whom i respected most in high school killed my dream by saying "you can't be a marketing since you can't convince anybody" is a brutal honesty after i know that marketing is not just about convincing, one of my teacher said that you can't be anybody, you just waste of society. Being different is desperate especially during your puberty when you really want to be understand by somebody. Most people interpret me as unreliable, trouble maker, rebel, scumbag and so on. I don't know what image i had built during my school life and have no other way to fix this.
One of the hardest moment in my life is on grade twelve, last semester, once i already get used with class system, my real me craving for a true calling, that i want to stop this off, this kind of society makes me think myself what is my co-existence, where i should be and how i still stay here. You know what happen next, once you make the change in a conservative minded-like society, you know the analogy of monkey and banana, once monkey try to grab the banana, the researcher beat that poor guy up until he given up his effort, and another monkey show up, want to do the same stuff as the pioneer did, got beaten up by his pioneer and this cycle goes and goes, until there is a thousands of monkey in the cage but no one dares to touch the banana, afraid of getting beaten up by majority.
Since i was immature and still couldn't figure out what is my game, i just against them without having any solid foundation to stand still. Got disapproval until now, even when they're having reunion, they did it without me. I am not really care with that but i see how easy a tie of friendship could be broke. This experience has lowering down my positive attitude toward humanity but since i am an idealist, i still believe people are basically good until the second rejection on the university life completely trashed out my feelings, making out myself negative, skeptical and always questioning the true motive of someone who trying to get me.
The moment that supposed to be important for a human being, as the first step into maturity is selecting a right major. I didn't get that, how hard my dad to convince me to take higher education since the cost of it is not cheap. Not all people is gifted equally in every subject, that is what make us unique, we just need to figure out what is best for us. Most of my friend that took the same degree with me end up differently, not a small number of them switching major more than one times finding what work best for them, one desperately unemployed and had given up with life, giving a burden to his parent as this is not the one that he supposed, some graduated and still unemployed, want to be in freedom and finding identity what is their true calling, some just continued their parents business, everybody has their own choice and i respect that.
If anyone ever ask how do you get into this major, a business management? I am not. This is what my dad had chosen for me and at that time i don't have any better option except that. My hope is just i could make a living since this job offers a broad range of business field, you could be accountant or public auditor, tax, marketing, human resource, business operation, trader, importer, analyst, negotiator, finance, banking, business manager or even an entrepreneur. Imagine if i took a very specified major for example oil refinery or optometry and how if i could not find what i love in that major? i would be grounded. Well it just my thought that everything is getting better once i had a major to work on but this is another mistake, probably one of the biggest mistake i ever had because none of them works for me.
The first year and second year of university life is one of the best, new friends, new communities, new skills to learn and class is not that hard. I still could not figure out what work best for me so i think this is the biggest regret that i ever make. I always follow my friend, he is proactive for himself, but when he caught into problem, i sometimes to be the one who asked what is the matter, not him, i don't know why i become so proactive when it comes to someone problem. Some student know where they want to be, had taken some opportunity in working outside campus, one of us are lucky enough to quit the class before graduate but make a living in the way he want it to be.
I consider myself to be a late grown up, i always had no intention of using anybody and don't know if someone is using me at that time, i always be an object of people anger, yet i quickly forgive or forgot it. I never taking anything seriously since i don't want to live under control and full of stress. The happy moment that i thought this is my true calling by following my friend to start a business, and i give it a try, left we with frustration, i am not good at selling stuff and keeping contacts with customer, i hate to make a call and giving an order, deciding a right price for my product is my fear, as a businessman you should always think to maximize profit but my weak heart said that some of them can't afford, until i know there is market segment for them. This leaves me frustration as i walk deeply into something that i am not really into and i close the business in that year.
In the third year, my grade were depleting sharply since my focus was divided into business, another remark of my regret that causing my grades not touching 3.5, which later on hard for me to get interview in the best multinational companies. The major downturn of my life is in the last year, when i had a problem with someone that is very influential figure at that time, whom suffer a love problem, changing every community event from fine dinner into club all weekend, sometimes during the weekday too. I never really get into club at all, for me it just a complete waste of time and energy, the music that is too loud, you can't make any great conversation there, except hitting a love mate, the smoke, the overpriced drink yet kill your liver, getting around people draining my energy so much that in the next day i don't feel to socialize, or even go anywhere. This condition also compounded with my what i consider as best friend keep saying that my best friend will do this and this and much more, while he is dependable with me, always want to be out with me and do a stuff with me, i felt not free and constrained.
Until the time when my real self said that "cut this toxic out", i ignore their offer for party, first time it was okay, second also, until third time and i start to realize that they also cut the relationship with me. My relationship with my best friend also went rough, we fought for just a small jokes, maybe he taking this too seriously or having a huge problem in his life and need an escape, who knows and our friendship end here. It is hard, to let your friends gone, especially if you only had them in school, i found out that some of friends also a bit making a distance with me, this time, i met the lowest point of my life. I want to end it by finishing my degree and work so i don't have to be involve with them. This is the second time in my life, when you are in the lowest of your life and nobody couldn't help it. This is the moment of realization of my life that only you can make your own happiness. Nobody can't, friends can't, relatives can't, parents can't, even God can't. God gave you free will to choose the life you want and you should be responsible with your decision.
The last semester after i complete my first internship, i felt i really need to be gone from here, the atmosphere unfriendly and full of new students, some of the best, the senior just left and continue their life, while my feeling still unstable and our relationship between classmate went nothing better. In this depression, i started to dig deep down, invest time on myself, what is my true calling, i could not rely anybody, and no one will know except myself, what i heard from someone that you should asked your God what is your purpose of life is not satisfy myself enough, our purpose to life is to praise and glorify his name still, my life is my life, God has given me different talents, traits, skills, abilities, personalities, passions from other and to know what is it i need to figure out by myself. Most people don't know what they are doing because they never want to find out and i don't want to be that people. I want to know what is my strongest point that separate me from others. Some consider lucky when they found their "calling" earlier, especially when it is common and useful in today society. However there still be a hope, that turned to light when a person really want to spend his time to study about his true "calling".
During this period, i know business is just out of my mind. What it takes doesn't match with what i learn about myself. Maybe some of it's branches but not the pure business. I rode so many books about human personalities, trying different personality test, consult a psychologist, took other test and trying new type of skills. Everything what is seems to be uncertain gradually revealed. I made a big list of character traits and crossed almost 90% of what i think do not match with myself. I examine one of them very carefully, i don't want to live this kind of life that filled with uncertainly in my lifetime.
So i graduated, and i still not found what is my true "calling" which i should run for, protect it and keep it. Time always walks constant, it never waits and everyone is given equally. I consider that i need to find a job, some of us were taking higher education and i don't buy that. I need to know precisely what is my, calling. I just taking this job, for the work experience and gaining exposure in respect of business world so at least i know the reality in this field.
The experience of working in this field makes me sure that this is not what i should do, i work as a finance staff in a trading company that required to input the data entry (transaction) daily from the producer to prepare a weekly or monthly financial report that are being used for meeting, the payment process from the producer to the collector, basic administration and filling, plus workers monthly tax and if needed do a analyze margins and suggest the trends. Do i love the job? not really but i could pass it through since i always able to get the escape from any kind of job. It is my ability to adapt in a challenging situation that finding out how to recharge my energy back from the job that i don't like for example: football after school, gym after class and now yoga class after work.
Now i here working in the same position for one year, i am not surprised though since i am not the best in this field yet i still keep working, i also don't expect high on this career since once i already got what i should do (psst i make another appointment with psychologist for second opinion on 27th of Feb) i promise to myself, that i will protect it no matter how hard people want to took it. promise. This week i even talked to God that please guide the guy who going to talk to me to giving an fair statement, unbiased judgement and let your words speak upon him. In Your name I pray, Amen.
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